I Failed, and It Really Sucks

Feeling shame is tough, especially after my recent marathon this past May. I had set my sights on finishing in 3 hours and 55 minutes to qualify for Boston, a goal I’d accomplished in the past. I trained hard for 26 weeks and put in the work! I felt super fit—ready to do this.

I have a strong track record as a solid runner, so I felt confident I could pull this off. But this time, around mile 13, I started feeling nauseous, a sensation that lasted until mile 22. It was brutal.

At mile 20, my husband Scott met me. I stopped and almost fell to the ground thinking I couldn’t go on. He told me to stop. But, I didn’t. I pushed on. I didn’t want to feel the humiliation of being a quitter.

By mile 21, things were even worse. Mentally and physically, I was fading fast, but I was still on pace for my goal. Then, I hit a wall at mile 21 and sat on a bench. Me?! I don’t do things like this. It was awful and I was mad as hell at myself.

Why was my body failing me now?

I called Scott, reluctantly telling him I was throwing in the towel—again.

I couldn’t make sense of it. I’ve tackled hard challenges my whole life. I couldn’t let this be how it ended.

I forced myself off that bench and kept moving forward at a snail’s pace. It took every ounce I had just to take the next step. At mile 22, I stopped again and found some shade under pine trees, feeling more shame at being unable to accomplish this goal. I was in terrible shape at that moment.

After a few minutes, I managed one more mile before realizing I had to call it quits at mile 23.

Call it quits at mile 23? Who does that? Not the version of Kim Strobel that lives in my head.

So, the intense shame I felt every single time I had to stop was brutal. I set a goal and couldn’t reach it. My mind was battling hard with what my body just couldn’t pull off that day. I am a runner.

My inner critic was rearing its ugly head. All the old tapes of “not being good enough” came flooding back in. I was so hard on myself. The things I was saying to myself, I would never want anyone to say to themselves.

Disappointing yourself hits deep. It stirred up this old feeling that whispers, “Maybe I’m just not who I think I am. Maybe I am a ‘less than’ person,” as awful as that sounds.

I’ve spent my whole life building up my self-worth, and here it was, sneaking back in to mess with me.

Why is it that one stumble makes me doubt everything I’ve achieved?

These questions are swirling around in my head.

❓ Why does a slip-up make me question my worth?

❓ Why do I let expectations define me?

❓ Why am I not a great person even if I failed at this marathon?”

In moments like this, I’ve gotta remind myself: no matter what, I am worthy.

Even after a failure…
Even when I’m disappointed…
Even when I’m weighed down by these heavy emotions…

I am still worthy. My value isn’t tied to one event or any achievement. I’m valuable simply because I’m me—a human being deserving of respect.

And you know what? You are too. You’re more than your successes, more than your failures, more than any label. Your worth runs deeper than all of that.

That being said, I am in the feels of this still and I’m working to get better each day. Yes, better at running, but more importantly, better at understanding my accomplishments, or lack thereof, don’t make me who I am.

When the weight of the responsibility of the school year creeps in this year, I want you to remember that there is no reason to feel shame or disappointment when you don’t reach the goals you set for yourself.

Setbacks are tough, but you know what? We get back up. We always do. If we spend time letting ourselves feel whatever we are feeling instead of just pushing through, we can more quickly accept the setback, learn from it, and maybe try again.

But I want you to remember..YOU ARE WORTHY OF LOVING YOURSELF, despite any setbacks you might have.

I am rooting you on!

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